A Man's Guide to Sex

Every man claims to be an expert under the sheets. What a f*cking lie.

Most of us don’t actually have a clue. I say it how it is. We get our techniques from pornography or what we hear our mates claim to have done with women.

I’m writing this post without any structure because I want it to be authentic as possible while I reminisce about the past me and my manhood have experienced together. I want readers to see another side of me since my other posts are serious topics and I want to be diverse with my writing.

My first time was uncomfortable. I waited two decades for 30 minutes of pain. It was like having sex with sandpaper. My manhood was on fire and all I wanted was a bucket of ice. It wasn’t like the movies; no peaceful music or her begging me to stop (although I wish she did!). My face was buried in the pillow with agony as she whispered sweet things into my ear but all I wanted were my balls to explode so I could rub some sudocrem (cream for minor burns and rashes) onto my piece of meat.

When it was all over, I was overwhelmed with pride as I officially became a man. I finally made love to a woman. I explored her body like a diver searching for gold. She was beautiful and curvy; every man's dream.

But wait?! I didn’t wear any protection. O. M. G.

A million thoughts began racing in my mind.

Is she pregnant? What about the pill? How do I explain it to my family?

Luckily everything was planned and you have to be a damn idiot to lose it to someone you don’t trust.

By the way, what is it with people who keep count of the number of times they’ve had sex? I know a few friends who keep a list on their android notepad. Jesus wept. Listen, nobody gives f*ck. There are pornstars smashing your number in a day’s work and some people die a virgin. It’s irrelevant. Nobody cares apart from you. If you envy people who get laid more than you then you need to sort out your priorities in life.

I’ve had horrendous blowjobs to the extent that they made me bleed. I had one girl pass wind on top of me (mind you I was crushing her in a bear hug because I was really into it). Another girl put her tongue so far down my mouth she was pretty much touching my oesophagus while giving me a handjob from hell.

So yeah – I’ve had some unpleasant experiences. I’m not exactly packing more than 6.5 inches but I like to think my abs, cheeky smile, Armani cologne and free towel contribute to a fulfilling 30-minute experience with yours truly.

So, what REALLY turns me on?

A woman who’s confident in her own skin and wears skimpy underwear like thongs or g-strings. There’s something arousing about a small piece of cotton wedged between her cheeks. Maybe it’s the thought knowing a tiny bit of fabric is the only thing separating me from entering her. I enjoy being teased by watching her slowly peel them off before throwing them at me like a dog wanting a bone.

I’m definitely a bum guy because you can do so much with it – slap, grab, eat, poke, whatever. I’ve never cared about the size of a woman’s chest. She can be flat as an ironing board and I won’t bat an eyelid. No bum no fun is my motto.

Corsets are kinky until you need her help to get it off. Yeah, they turn me on but I’d rather she spent money on naughty underwear or fishnet stockings.

Stilettos are sexy until she starts digging them into the bedsheet or my ankle bone as we cuddle.

Dirty talk is naughty but she needs to be real with it. Don’t tell me I have got a massive cock when I know its bang average because it seems forced and cliché. I also like her saying sweet and subtle things to me. It feels good to be complimented.

I’m not too experienced with sex toys although I do have one particular fetish - butt plugs. There's something incredibly hot when she has something stuffed up there. I guess it’s the taboo factor. It shouldn’t be there but it is y’know? Maybe it's the submissive factor because she's listening to my demands.

I can experiment with vibrators. I just don’t want anything complicated. I’ve seen some with more buttons than a TV remote. Just tell me how to turn it on and where you want me to put it!

I don’t know how to end this because it wasn’t meant to be serious. I just wanted to have a bit of fun with the elements of truth in it.

Honestly, there’s nothing more satisfying than having sex with a woman you truly love. Gazing into her eyes as you finish inside her is a mind-blowing (no pun intended!) sensation followed by an aura of peace and warmth. All your problems temporarily vanish away and your brain is overloaded with dopamine that you want it to last forever.

Ejaculation is like the most enjoyable piss ever. I can’t describe it any other way but it’s, without doubt, the best pleasure a man can ever experience in life.

However, things soon go back to normal when she tells me to get off and grab a tissue to clean up.

©2020 by Concealed Voices. A men's mental health blog